The Negotiating Table

The holidays are supposed to be all about fun and family, but for many people they turn out to be very stressful. One of the reasons for this is that the holidays involve a great deal of negotiation, and negotiating is difficult for many people. You need to negotiate where and with whom to celebrate, whom to invite, who sits next to whom, travel dates and lodging arrangements, and all of this is just with family. Beyond that there are flights and hotels, gifts and returns, and other financial arrangements. In all of these negotiations, it is easy to get worked up and positional ("They have to come to us this year! We traveled to them the last two years in a row!") to the point of losing sight of what the holidays are all about - a group of people who mean something to each other trying to spend some meaningful time together. So negotiate with a smile, give people the benefit of the doubt, ask questions to understand each other's needs, and try to have fun.

Every relationship involves negotiation and all negotiations involve relationships. Sometimes those relationships are brief, such as when you are buying a trinket from a street vendor or negotiating for a car, and other times the relationships outlast the negotiations, but they always matter.


Street vendors understand this. Yes, they try to entice you with an attractive product or a good price, but where they start is with you, engaging you with a smile or a comment, catching your eye or asking you a question. They know they have seconds to establish a relationship in which you will want to buy from them rather than the next vendor down the street.


In your work and personal life, where the relationships endure for many negotiations, you need to be aware of the impact of your actions on the relationship. What you do today will be reflected in how people respond to you tomorrow, or if there will even be a tomorrow in which to negotiate.


Of course, not all relationships are important to the same extent, and sometimes the outcome of the negotiation is so important that you need to negotiate hard even if you damage the relationship, but it is always important to keep the relationship in mind and to be deliberate in your actions.