The Negotiating Table

So, it actually does matter what you say, but it matters even more what the other person hears. Whatever you try to communicate, it is always possible that the people you are talking to will interpret what you've said differently than you had intended. The problem is that while you have a great deal of control over what you choose to say, you have a lot less control over the interpretations that people overlay upon your words. How then do you control your message so people hear what you intend? The simple answer is that you can't really control what people hear, but you can stack the odds in your favor by doing a few simple things.

The first thing is to talk from the point of view of your audience, since it's their perspective that determines what they hear. For this, you first have to know your audience, and the key to understanding your audience is to listen to them. Strangely enough, in order to communicate effectively to others, you first have to listen to them. You then need to get out of your own head and really imagine that you were them, listening to your words.

The second thing you have to do is to consider the emotional impact of your words on your listeners. Since people interpret what you say through emotional filters, and their emotional reactions to what you say are going to drown out their rational responses, you need to think about the emotional land mines you might be stepping with what you say.

The third thing you can do is to get help from other people. If you are not good at figuring out the emotional impact of your words on others, have a friend or colleague help you, since an outside perspective often helps identify things you've missed.

Even with all of these steps, there is no certainty that your words will be understood as intended, but it's a matter of probabilities and you can make it more likely. So in the end, though what the other person actually hears is still out of direct control, it is up to you to construct your messages carefully and communicate from the other person's point of view.

Think of the leaders you admire, and almost all that come to mind will have been great communicators. Sure, some were great orators and gave memorable speeches, but not all. Some leaders instead just talked to their people quietly and individually, constantly reinforcing their vision for success and encouraging their people to achieve it. Communication as a leader should be a daily habit, a bit like breathing. Without it your people will feel disconnected and lost, no matter how well you are managing things from the top.